Did I mention…

I probably shouldn’t be writing to you. Mildly stoned, a gin/tonic in, and Tom Petty playing in the background, triggering a memory.

A long workday, very. 30 hours in 2 days, topping a 60 hour week, nearing my line in the sand for work hours per day. Interestingly, the harder I work the more I feel a draw to talk to you. Most likely due to the not so long ago memory of sleep, and rest at your home.

I’ve reached out in the last few days…I don’t even know if you’re getting my messages. Probably doesn’t matter if you are.  I guess someday you’ll go away, I mean from my head and heart. One day I’ll realize that I haven’t thought about you in a while and my breath won’t catch and my heart won’t pinch. One day.

 I had asked via text if it would be cool if I stopped by this Monday or Tuesday. I haven’t heard back, yes or no. Cool, not cool. Just Silence. I don’t understand your shade of silence.

 Silence to me is room to make my own choices. Silence to me can mean peace. Silence to me can be a request for space, Silence to me can mean thought before speech,  Silence to me can be a breath to soften something painful, and Silence to me can mean “I don’t give a fuck”, Silence to me can be cruel and mean.

 I don’t think you’re cruel and I don’t think you’re mean. If I did I wouldn’t keep writing to you.  I just don’t know. I’m saying this with the softest of voices, and the most tender of heart. I’m not being mean or trying to make you feel a certain way, I’m simply expressing how I feel about silence and how it makes me feel. I don’t know your various shades of silence. Perhaps I’m missing a social cue here or perhaps it could simply mean I’m as stubborn as you are or my lack of “getting the hint” may mean that I’m plain dumb, and somehow I incorrectly thought that people disagreed, fucked up, forgave each other and moved on. I want you to know that I won’t “drop” by next week, you can relax around that. I’ll take this week’s silence as a no.

There’s so much that I want to talk to you about. Yeah, Its a wonder to me too. Workin’ with it.
I think I can sleep now. Weirdly I’ve been sleeping with the Cure and the Church continuously playing through my sleep.

Did I mention I’m mildly stoned? I guess you got the journal entry tonight,