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January 2020
I met a man that I’ll call ‘Jack’. I met him on a dating website. I liked his profile, it was real and it was brief. He was looking for “someone to be close to and to care about”. To be close to and to care about, this struck me. He caught my attention with that one sentence. I swiped right and then sent him a message. We started texting January 1, 2020 and have at least said good night to each other every night since then. We’ve had two “dates” and have spent about 36 hours together. Today is January 17th.
In our first phone conversation, I felt emboldened to invite myself to the city to listen to him play music at an Irish pub in Brooklyn. That was January 5th. He picked me up at my home, 2 hours out of his way and we talked all the way to Brooklyn. I sat and sipped Irish whiskey with his friends while we listen to him play. A solo singer, in a small pub having the time of his life. Our eyes locked several times. On our first date, we spent a total of 48 mellow, and enjoyable hours together, 24 in the city and 24 in the Mohawk valley at his farmhouse. By the time he dropped me off at the ashram, I felt a smile in my soul. Expressing our interest in each other, we agreed to make plans to spend more time together and found ourselves making plans for a long weekend together in Montreal the first weekend in February, both of us secretly hoping to see each other before then.
He is true to his profile: Active, creative, and happy. I love this about him.
January 23, 2020: Note to self.
Just do, follow your heart, don’t think, ask questions, be curious, be spontaneous. Get to know him, touch him, look him in his eyes. Be present in the shyness and awkwardness. listen to his music, make love to him as much as you can, let him hold and kiss you, let him open the car door and treat you. Let him make you tea and care for you, let him love you. Be the nourishment to his creativity. Trust him, trust yourself. Open your arms and your heart, close your eyes and enjoy the Fall ❤
To keep it in perspective, focus on the shoes… yet,
His shoes, He doesn’t tie them. When he looks me in the eyes It takes my breath away. I like how he looks in jeans. I like touching his waist, and his hips. I like the strength of his embrace. His hugs have a strength that makes me feel secure, lovingly captured, and intoxicated. His voice is like a perfectly worn pair of faded jeans. He kisses me as if he’s loved me forever. When he holds my gaze and looks deeply into my eyes, the sound that escapes his lips is low, masculine, immortal. The moment I met him, I felt the need to hold his hand. I fear it’s too late, he has captured me, I’ve fallen.
May 22, 2020
It didn’t work out with Jack and I. Its sad really. I’m sad.
I pulled a “Lenny”, of Mice and Men, I squeezed and loved this relationship to death, or did I?
I received many gifts from Jack. I spent a considerable amount of time reflecting on my role in the sudden end of a cool friendship. I can see my shit, I can see my insecurities and where they reared their ugly heads.
June 21, 2020
I wish he would talk to me. No a word. I’ve never met someone so stubborn. I wish he knew how painful and how hurtful this silence is.
I wish he would explain to me what his silence means. I know what my variant colors of silence means to me. I don’t know how I can be so confused so shattered in such a short amount of time. I haven’t listen to his music since the last time that I saw him. I hope someday that I’ll be able to get past that. I miss his music. I miss his voice. I miss his eyes, his shy smile.
I couldn’t even express to him how much I loved him for even that seemed to hurt him. I wish he would have had more patience with me. I wish I would have had more patience with everything, his wishes of space during covid. I have very few regrets and this is one of them.
Already I see the effects of this on my heart. My greatest fear is that I’ll never open my heart again.
He told me to leave his mother” out of this”, when I expressed that I’ve prayed to her for his safety, to protect him from this horrific virus that has taken everything with it. Life and love, smiles and even hugs, and replaced these precious human powers with masks, fear, distance, financial loss, and anger. Yes I prayed to his mother, I whispered words of prayer to her the moment I fell in love with him. His stories about her, his love for her made me fall in love with her too. I talked her in my mind the few nights that I spent with him. I promised her that I wouldn’t hurt him, I asked her to help me to try and understand him. Much of my deep sadness over this broken friendship is that I broke my promise to her and that Jack could only see a negative cogitation in my words. The moment I disappointed him was the moment that I disappointed myself.
I fell in love to fast, to quickly…yet in my heart I cannot find that to be a bad thing. I wanted so much to just let love lead, trust in it. I wanted to believe he was the one. that he too wanted love, to be loved and to give it. Instead I discovered that he feared it.
February 24, 2020
The last time you kissed me
I melted, evaporating under your touch.
Lost forever in a kiss.
Sweetly swept away, I fell madly in love.
My axis tilted, an invisible hand picked up my world
Shaking it, raining snow, and stardust all around.
A delirium of butterflies, a kaleidoscope of images
Overtook
My body and mind
Under siege with the cascading tidal wave
Of love, warmth, care, and admiration for you.
Our destination is in your hands, I have no control.
Tell me Baby, that I’m the one and I’ll cherish you forever.
Babe?, I’m holding on tight, I don’t want to let go.
January 2022
In the shy, squinching pain of reading these words, seeing my own vulnerabilty and open heart to love, I pray that I will always love this much, that I’ll always be able to write so openly, and share so much. I pray that my rose tinted heart stays vibrant, sentimental and gooey for love.
Thru soulful eyes 